I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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