did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
