Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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