hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
