Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
