in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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