hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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