forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
