You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
