I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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