totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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