His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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