I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
It's shark week go big or go home
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Randomize
