Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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