i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
