what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
