I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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