You took a bar mat shot.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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