I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
