Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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