she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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