My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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