I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
