I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I need a burrito and a hug.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
