I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
