my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
