Don't make out with my wife yet
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
