totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
