She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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