I wish I could punch you in the face.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
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