Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
