Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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