im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
