Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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