im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
