..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
