Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
