Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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