Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
