did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
