So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I cannot find my penis.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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