so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Randomize
