there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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