If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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