FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
