I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
