we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
apparently the secret to your success is patron
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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