I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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