Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
