The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It's official drugs can't kill me
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
