My sheets look like a crime scene.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
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The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Did I show you my penis last night?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
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And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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