Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
That's when you crack a 10am beer
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
