So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
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the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
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You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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