respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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