I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
