if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You made out with two different species that night
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
