I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
